Monday, February 9, 2015

My Teenage Self

I am everything I never wanted to be. I am a wife, a stay at home mom and seamstress. In high school I looked down on such titles. I worked hard to prepare myself for career not house keeping. I focused on Accounting instead of Home Economics. I thought titles such as mother, wife and seamstress  held a person back from reaching a better life. I was determined to never be dependent on anyone but myself. The thought of kids and family only looked like settling for a pre-determined life set by tradition. Unfortunately, I felt sorry for my sister, because she had settled for that life style.

Although, I strived for career and did quite well for myself, I some how was not very happy. The career life turned out to not be where I was supposed to be. I worked hard and enjoyed my paycheck, but there was really no sense of self worth. I never felt like I was making a difference. My work was done but with no real end of day satisfaction. What I did like about leaving the office is I always left with a feeling of accomplishment for that day.

Through unfortunate circumstances, I was catapulted into being a stay at home mom. When my youngest was born, I was laid off from my job just before my maternity leave was complete. There were so many emotions that I had gone through. I remember crying for days because I didn't know how not to go to work everyday. I had been doing it since I was 16. I was scared, frustrated and disappointed in how my life was turning out to be. My teenage fears had become my reality.

While recuperating from the shock of "failure", I have learned much. I taught myself how to sew. I now make most of my own clothes and make handmade gift for my family whether they like it or not.  I am still working on the whole cooking thing. The question  "What to make for dinner?" haunts me daily. Housework never ends! As soon as I think I'm finished, the kids come home from school and by the time my husband gets home the house looks like I hadn't touched it. I may not get the same sense of accomplishment that I had working out of the house, but I do feel like I am making a difference in the lives of my kids.

I absolutely love being with my kids. The fact that I can walk them to and from school everyday is a satisfaction I can't explain. I get to sit and talk, play games and do homework with them without the stress of not having enough time to get everything else done before their bed time. I no longer feel cheated of not being able to see them grow up. They are learning my values, not their teacher's or daycare giver's.  Teaching them and rearing them is the hardest job I have ever had and that's not including the stress of potty training! They know I will always be here. They can count on seeing me waiting outside their classroom door to walk them home from school. They know I will stay up all night holding them if that's what it will take to make them feel safe and secure from a bad dream.

I admire my teenage self for wanting more and working to do well, but I am happy that she was wrong. I love my life and who I am today,  a wife, a stay at home mom and a seamstress.