Sunday, March 18, 2007


I am finally the adult I have fantasized I would always be. Well, just the adult part. I have not lead my life down the path I had planned for myself. Although, I am happy with the way things have turned out so far.
When I was fifteen years old I imagined myself as a college graduate, working for a big corporation on my way up the corporate ladder. I saw a corner office over looking the city, traveling around the world on the corporate jet. My goals seemed so obtainable and realistic at the time.
By the time I reached the age of seventeen, I was told by a school representative, I did not have what it takes to even get into college. Of course, without college I couldn't get the office, the traveling or the "life" I had dreamed about. I was devastated! Now what?! I felt I was too old to plan out another life for myself. I had spent so many years putting this plan together. In one short meeting my future was crushed, my ambitions for life were shattered.
Soon, I was eighteen years old and nowhere to go. I was still working at the grocery store and college was no longer an option. The way I saw it, this was my new pathetic life. I did not have "what it takes" to get the good life, so I was stuck in retail. At nineteen, I had to quit working for the grocery store and go to work at the ever promising "Do It Yourself" store. I thought maybe I could move my way up there.
If I would have had the common sense to tell this guy from the school, "You are wrong and I'll prove it!", I would have saved myself years of retail hell. Instead, I believed him and took it to heart and started to feel sorry for myself. I saw me the way he saw me. I made his opinion of me, my opinion. For years, I let this destroy who I was.
Not only did I feel I was not worth the best professionally, I also took this into my personal life. I dated and married men who were abusive, mentally and physically. I put myself through a lot of hard times because I listened to the wrong people. I once read in a book, that you will allow people to treat you as bad as you think you deserve it. That statement became very true for me.
For many years I became a lost individual. I didn't recognize who I was. From one relationship to the next, I kept telling myself this was all that life was going to offer me. Through all my heartache and suffering, the strong, confident little girl had turned into a weak bitter woman. I had no sense of being or self worth.
It is amazing how one simple sentence or phrase can be the beginning of some one's end. I was young and naive. I believed the adults around me knew what was right for me. I was taught that my superiors, my elders knew more and were going to guide me in the right direction.
Young, vibrant and full of dreams! Only to be destroyed by a simple phrase. It has been several years since I have talked to that counselor, but I found that strong, confident little girl and have turned her into a strong, confident woman! I now work for a new company that is promising to a great career. I may not travel world wide, or even nation wide, but what I do have is self esteem, confidence and pride. I also have my office. It does not look over a city, or the parking lot, but it's an office! The way I see it, you have to put your foot on the first step before you can reach the top of the ladder.